"WHO'S IN CHARGE?"
Look Up: Ephesians
6:1-4
Sermon preached by Dr. Wayne
Poplin, Senior Pastor of
Carmel Baptist Church, Matthews, NC
INTRODUCTION:
None of us will deny
the matter of parental influence, because we know that we have been influenced
by our parents. The influence may have been bad or good, healthy or
unhealthy, positive or negative, or mixtures of those, but we were influenced.
You may be walking according to some of that influence now or trying to get over
it [taught you promptness, tardiness, anger, openness or closedness, certain
habits and ways of doing things, etc., e.g., brown eggs]. But there was
influence. So, knowing that the parent influences the child, how are you
influencing your child? Our goal should be to have positive and meaningful
influence on our child. And meaningful influence is determined by the
quality of the relationship with the child. That will become more and more
the case as they grow up and as the “control” factor diminishes. Down
the road when you no longer strap them in the car seat and drop them off at
school and you want to have leverage to influence them in the critical spots of
life, the quality of the relationship you have with them will be key.
So let’s talk about building that
relationship and damaging that relationship. Ephesians 6:1-4 reflects the
effects of the building and damaging of the relationship.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your
father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“that
it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers, do
not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord [Ephesians 6:1-4].
One part
of the verse talks about the effect of a quality relationship and the other part
talks about damaging the relationship—of course, that will have its effect
too. Building the relationship picks up after the word “instead.”
Doing damage to the relationship precedes “instead.” [It says “fathers”
but I think we understand this to be “parents”]. So, to summarize our
two key points of the series, to “bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord” bring them “under control” and use your
relationship with them to influence them.
Let’s talk
about building and damaging the relationship—understanding that the quality of
the relationship provides the weight of our influence.
I.
BUILDING THE RELATIONSHIP
What is
involved in building a quality relationship with your child? “Bring them
up”—is the word “nurture”—nourish, promote health, educate [the sum of
influence].
1.
Unconditional love and acceptance. [Some never felt loved because they
were not the right sex—dad wanted a boy. Maybe it is the differences in
siblings that results in favoritism. Isaac was close to Esau because he
was a hunter. Maybe one child is smarter or more athletic, etc.].
Our children need to know that they are loved and accepted.
2.
Time. With busy parents, the subject of spending time with the child
brings up the discussion of which is best, quality time or quantity of time.
We hope that the right answer is quality time. Hopefully, we are spending
quality time with our child. But James Dobson puts it this way: if you are
really, really hungry do you want a big plate of spaghetti or a 4 ounce filet
mignon? Quantity or quality? If the child is hungry for your time
and attention, which does he want? The truth of the matter is that he
wants the spaghetti. Obviously, a quantity of quality time is the answer.
Here is my warning. The relationship you need for effective influence for
the long haul requires time. And I cannot emphasize to you enough how
quickly your child will grow up and how quickly the opportunity to spend time to
build that relationship will pass [When I became your pastor a “few months
ago” my daughter was entering the 3rd grade]. Do you know the
lyrics to the song by Harry Chapin, “Cats in the Cradle?” It is a song
that basically says that the dad never had time for his son and when he finally
had time, the son didn’t have time for him. And so the line:
“And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me…my boy was just like me.”
An influential relationship requires time.
I
wouldn’t take anything for the time spent fishing in what we called “the
honey hole.” For ten years of the ACC tournament with my son. For the
family night and the Friday night pallet. Everybody on the bed.
Vacations. Garden. Taking Melodie to breakfast on vacations [spoiled
her—wanted her to know that no one would treat her as well as her dad].
Brenda there when they came home from school and hearing all about the day.
3.
Relationship with your mate. A study was done with 4000 children between
the ages of 3-14 and there were asked, “What is the most important thing to
you?” The researchers expected answers like: knowing my mom and
dad love me, money, wanting to be good at sports, making good grades. The
number one answer by a huge margin was—knowing that my mom and dad love each
other. If you want a quality relationship with your child, it begins with
a quality relationship with your mate. Counselors, who have parents bring
in children with behavioral problems, say again and again that in case after case
the behavioral problems disappear when the parents work on their marriage
relationship. Follow the biblical job descriptions so that there will be
harmony and effectiveness. Dads, be the spiritual leader in your home.
George Barna had an article posted on the internet this week entitled, “The
Spirituality of Moms Outpaces that of Dads.” It said that men may enjoy
advantages of physical strength, but they are much less likely than women to
exercise their spiritual muscle. Moms are more active in getting the
children to church, praying with them, etc. The good news is that having a
child does intensify the spiritual commitment of men—but they still lag behind
their wives. That is not what God expects. He expects us to lead and
say as Joshua, “For me and my house.” Watching you trains your
children for their future relationships. Are you training them to be
successful?
These
ingredients go into building a relationship that will result in the influence
you need and want to leverage. Having that relationship helps you to bring
them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
II.
DAMAGING THE RELATIONSHIP
If we go
back to Ephesians 6:4, we hear the warning, “Do not exasperate’ [Webster
says of exasperate—to make grievous or malignant {cause a cancer in}].
If we want to influence our child, and the weight of influence is tied to the
quality of the relationship, we want to build the relationship not damage it.
So, what are some of the things that we can do to damage the relationship?
1.
Embarrass or humiliate the child. Be sensitive to their feelings. Be
careful what you say about your child or to your child in front of
others—especially their peers. That exasperates. Basically, the
child thinks, “You do not respect me nor my feelings and you cannot be trusted
with information about me.”
2.
Act with hypocrisy. Maybe you think it is not “high”pocrisy but
“low” procrisy. But it is still pocrisy. They know that who you
pretend to be is not who you really are. This is huge in eroding respect
and damaging the relationship. You see, the home is an arena of reality.
Children don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do need you to be real.
One Christian counselor I read said: if a child is given good instruction
and at the same time given a bad example, it is like giving him food in one hand
and poison in the other. Hypocrisy is hard to recover from. It
exasperates—it introduces a cancer into the child.
3.
Not making the shift from control to influence. By that I mean, when there
is not influence to leverage you try to influence by leveraging with your
position. “You will because I am your mother—father [we don’t use
“dad” in this phrase. They know who you are—but in absence of the
influence you desire—you try to use your weight and position. You try to
make them feel guilty. Do you know how hard I have had to work to give you
what you have? You see, the day will come when you want to influence them.
But will it come out of a quality relationship or will your try to exert it
another way?
4.
Picking the wrong battles. The will be enough tough spots without picking
the wrong battles. Listen to me. I picked the wrong battle with
Melodie over food. She was such a picky eater. I would say, “You
are not going to get up from the table until you eat that!” She would
have sat there until the date on the calendar changed. She sat there until
whatever I wanted her to eat was cold and discolored and the family pet
wouldn’t eat it. Why did I do that? I hated it when my parents did
that to me [e.g. eggs]. Then at one restaurant, when she refused to eat
something and the tears started, we all laughed. That is great parenting!
Today, she eats about everything and is an excellent cook. Don’t pick
the wrong battles.
Are you
building or eroding the relationship with your child? What do you wish had
been different about how you were raised, how your parents influenced you or the
relationship you had with them? What will you do now with your child?
Why do we
want to build a quality relationship with them? So we can influence them
positively [bring them up…], so we can enjoy them, so later on when they
don’t have to come home they want to come home.